My husband finally explained to his mother several months ago that he is an atheist and we don’t appreciate when she preaches to our son about God and religion, etc. and see it as an example of her forcing beliefs on him. Cue to last week when my mother-in-law was at our house and I overheard her telling my son to pray to God because my husband was having a minor medical procedure. Later that day she informed him that she had left a gift on his bed. When he opened it, it was a jar of Bible verses. I do not want her to bring up religion to him at all. I respect her beliefs, but I resent that she’s giving my son religious gifts, as she has done over the years, and telling him to pray, talk to God, etc. when she knows how we feel.

My son is polite, but he doesn’t want to talk to God and he certainly does not want religious gifts. Do I talk to her? Does my husband talk to her? Or do we just accept that religion has been ingrained in her her whole life and keep returning the gifts or give them away? — Happy Heathens

Your husband already talked to her once, so I think the next step needs to be a reminder talk, with you included if you’re comfortable with that. It doesn’t need to be a big deal – a quick, “Hey, we respect your beliefs but we don’t practice them and neither does our son. We don’t want you to address religion with him, including giving him religious gifts or asking him to pray.” And then follow that up with refusing future religious gifts (or trashing them or giving them away if the gifting is done in secret) and reminding your mother-in-law that it is not OK for her to discuss religion with your son. It’s not enough to create the boundary – you have to enforce it as well.

At some point in the not too distant future, your son is going to learn to deal with Grandma himself, which will be good practice for dealing with any unwanted conversations or people who don’t respect boundaries. You can use these current challenges with Grandma to start prepping your son with age appropriate responses. At nine, he could probably say, “I think this is a religious gift and Mom and Dad said I can’t accept religious gifts,” or “Mom and Dad told me not to pray with you.” The key will be explaining to your son that we can love people and respect their personal choices and faiths but not share them ourselves and that’s OK.

Grandma might like for you all to share in her choices and it can feel uncomfortable to disappoint someone we love, but this, too, is good practice for your son (and for you and your husband). Choosing whether, when, and how to compromise on personal choices to please a loved one (like baptizing your child) and, even more important, knowing when it’s best to respectfully stand firm is something most of us will face again and again. It’s part of maintaining relationships, and teaching your child the basics of this at a young age is a true gift.

Use this issue with your mother-in-law to have conversations with your son about how you show love and respect to his grandmother without engaging in her religion. It’s such an important lesson for a young person to learn – how to love without compromising one’s self, and how to stand firm when someone pushes your boundaries. None of this makes your mother-in-law’s behavior less annoying, but hopefully by re-framing it a bit, you can appreciate the learning opportunity for your son.

***************If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

22 Comments

Yet another episode of “I personally have beef with my MIL for reasons. How can I come up with ways to subtly punish her using my son?”

Teach your son to accept gifts gracefully, and explain to him that religion means a lot to his grandma, and that’s why she shared that gift with him and why she talks about God. Teach him that to other people, like you and your husband, religion isn’t very important and tell him why. Then he can decide FREELY whether or not Catholicism means something to him too.

^^ completely agree.

I agree, Wendy missed the mark a bit. She is right in that the grandson is at an age to find his voice and have a conversation with grandmother. But telling grandmother that his parents don’t want him to accept her gifts, isn’t his voice, it’s the parent’s voice. There is nothing wrong with hearing what grandmother believes as long as she doesn’t overstep by castigating non-believers. The Western hemisphere is culturally Christian by and large. It won’t hurt grandson to understand the basics of Christianity as he charges forth in life.

@Casual Catholic- completely agree (meant to reply to you…. Trying again). I do not agree w Wendy at all on this one.

I find myself agreeing with you.

Part of growing up is learning that different people have different beliefs, different things that are important to them. I understand not wanting her son to participate in religious practices. But I would not necessarily throw away all gifts. Years later son might appreciate having a gift of something that was important to grandma. That does not impose religion upon him.

he did decide. it’s not for him. and the constant pressure from MIL is not only counter to the 9 year old’s preferences but against the parents’ specific wishes. we have the same rules, and due to religious trauma, simple gifts are not so simple to me. imagine being a christian and your hindu MIL continued to tell your kid that jesus is made up and that he should focus on diwali coming up. it’s absolutely not appropriate. respect the parents wishes. period.

You completely get it.

Wow! I didn’t read it that way at all. Her MIL is completely disrespectful of the boundaries that they as parents set.

I’m sorry. Since it’s his mother, he needs to take the lead on this. LW should definitely be involved to maintain a united front, though.

I highly doubt religion is the only boundary Grandma crosses. People who refuse to respect boundaries usually act this way across the board.

Teaching kids to say no and end uncomfortable conversations is necessary, but it’s so much harder with a grandmother. It forces a child to navigate love, respect for elders, and the deep discomfort of being put right in the middle of adult conflict.

I usually agree with Wendy but she really missed the mark on this one.Encourage son to accept the gifts gracefully and then he can decide if he wants to keep them or donate or whatever. He might even have friends that are practicing that he might choose to regift to. Or find a nursing home or charity that would like the gifts – an opportunity for him to not only accept gifts gracefully but also to repurpose things he has no need for. Explain to him that religion is important to his grandma (and many others for that matter) but that he does not have to share her beliefs nor does he have to pray. I would also use this as an opportunity to show him there are many different Christian religions as well as other faiths such as Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, etc. The world is made of so many people with different beliefs. While no one should force their faith on someone else, having an understanding of what those faiths are is not a bad thing, just as many practicing people have understandings of atheism and agnostics. It is part of being educated. As far as grandma, the parents could tell her that they are giving the son the choice to keep the religious items or get rid of them, just in case she wants to change her gifting patterns. They could also tell her that while she might choose go share what SHE believes in, she should not be trying to get him to pray or feel guilty about not practicing in any way. Beliefs should be respected by all, but part of respecting the beliefs of others often involves understanding those beliefs.

Yes! We pray in our home, and our non-religious grandchildren accept that. We do not force them to pray. I talk about what I believe, but I do not force my beliefs on my grandchildren, and I let them know I love them no matter what. Do I worry about them growing up in non-religious homes? Yes, but I do not want to ruin relationships over it. Perhaps asking Grandma to tone it down, but respect her beliefs and teach your child to do that as well.

We have a similar issue at home and my mother’s subtle religious talk makes my daughter very uncomfortableShe is not yet bold enough to directly express her discomfort to grandma and also does not want to hurt her feelings.

My mom gave dd a book on Bible stories so my daughter said thank you- i will add it to my book collection near norse and grerk mythology.My mother was non-plussed by this

Recently my mother discussed praying to Jesus to which my daughter said -that’s nice Grandma that you are still young at heart enough yo have imaginary friends.

I snorted aloud- my mom did not react -either because she chose not to or did not hear (she is very hard of hearing)

Maybe the parents in this case should ask their son how he feels about the present and then tell grandma directly so that the opinion expressed is child’s own?

Mary – your daughter sounds awesome!

My husband and I grew up in very religious homes (different denominations). We didn’t share those beliefs and both stopped pretending to practice once we left our respective nests. My MIL made it very clear what she wanted when our first child came along. She did not get her way and that caused a giant ruckus. She had her chance with her children and we chose to raise ours differently. We have two great young adults now.

I don’t care for Wendy’s dialect suggestions (my parents said I can’t, etc) however I agree with the main point… it isn’t MILs place. She was told once already. Maybe access to the child should be reduced if SHE can’t respect the child’s parents wishes. Respect goes two ways.

Mary, your daughter sounds like she’s doing just fine!

Parents: You sound like grandma in the opposite direction. You say he is always “welcome to attend services,” while on the other hand you openly share your views which negate other traditions. This is different than enabling a nine year old to experience spiritual traditions. But it sounds as if you are even pressure him as much as grandma. You seem invested in your own beliefs and that is fine, but it sounds like you aren’t encouraging your son to think about his own by interacting with his grandma or others in a way that makes sense to him. You just lay down the law to grandma because “you are right.” Don’t be surprised if your son grows up to question your certainty.

Two things strike me as contradictory in this letter. The letter writer claims that they allow their child to explore religion. That if he wanted to attend they would allow it. And then she goes on to be upset that the grandmother is talking to him about religion. And giving him gifts. These two things really contradict each other. It sounds like she wants to be tolerant. Or at least think that she is a tolerant person. When in reality she does not want her son discussing religion. Not even with his own grandmother.So I think the letter writer really needs to sit down and decide. Is she really tolerant of other people’s religions or not. If she’s not then it’s fine to tell her child that until he’s older she doesn’t want him discussing religion with people. But I think a better attack is to say what she said at the beginning of the letter. That it’s okay for him to explore other religions. My parents did this when I was a child. My father is an atheist and my mother is what I call a lapsed Episcopalian. And I went to every kind of church you can imagine. I had one friend who was a Catholic. One friend who was a Mormon. One friend who was Jewish. And one friend who was a fundamentalist Christian.And I went to all of their churches with them. I went through a long period of having no religious identity. And I am now a worship associate in a Unitarian Church that accepts all. And it’s one thing about my childhood that I really appreciate. That my parents let me decide for myself. And I got a great education about other religions.

I of course meant synagogue and churches.

My big problem with the situation is that LW and her husband lied so much. She says that husband only told his mom that he’s an atheist a few months ago, which means he’s been lying about that for years. To cover it up, they told an even bigger lie. They held a public “We’re going to raise our child Christian” ceremony, aka a baptism. The reason Grandma thinks it’s okay to talk to the kid about Jesus was because his parents spent 9 years telling her that it was okay to talk to him about Jesus. Then they told their son that he could look into any religious beliefs that he wanted, but they’re pushing him in the other direction. Had they been honest with Grandma a decade ago, would they still be in this situation? Maybe, but it probably wouldn’tbe nearly as bad. A large piece of this problem is their own lies biting them in the butt.

As an atheist who is also a member of a Unitarian Universalist church, I find many if not most people have difficulty accepting atheism. While there is an acceptance and at times encouragement of children learning about different faith traditions, there is no similar inclusivity or curiosity regarding atheism.We would not scold a parent who is Jewish, for example, for letting relatives or friends know that prayers to Jesus or Christian-themed gifts are not welcomed. There is a world of gifts and traditions to share that are non-religious in nature, and it is the grandmother’s responsibility to find things that reflect her grandson’s interests, not her own.

Sorry, Wendy, you’re dead wrong on this one. Religion is not the exclusive purview of the parents or the grandmother. They cannot and should not have a conversation with the grandmother about not exposing him religiously, educating the son how she sees it, and how they see it. As long as he is safe, and expresses no discomfort without prompting or pressure, he has a right to be exposed to different beliefs no matter how young he is, at an age-appropriate level. The parents have no special right to prevent that and they are hypocrites for doing so. They made their choices because they had the very information they’re trying to prevent their son from having.

As a devout atheist and regular reader of this column, I have to say I also disagree with the advice here (enough to ever bother commenting). It sounds like she’s encouraging extreme parental control. Her kid is going to be exposed to religion whether they like it or not. Why not use this as a teaching moment? Religion is clearly important to grandma and nothing in her letter suggests she’s aggressively forcing it on him (if she is, I’d have a different opinion). I’d bet this woman talks to everyone about religion. I had grandparents that encouraged me to pray, talked to me about the importance of religion, gave me religious gifts, insisted I go to church with them when visiting (neither parent was particularly religious) – it only cemented that atheism was the correct route for me later in life. I explored it and it was without question not for me. I appreciate this exposure. I simply don’t understand why she’s advocating for these parents to control their child to this level? I’m alllllll for boundaries, but this seems like it might be a boundary worth reconsidering.

Do you think that non-religious people are somehow less ethical, or moral, or holy or something? As an atheist, I have a very strong moral compass that surpasses that of many so-called Christians I know. For some people, the iniquities that occur in the name of a mythical deity are truly abhorrent and we don’t want our kids exposed to that rubbish.